Uchihafest
by Starsurfer108
Summary: CHAPTER 2 - COMPLETE. Every now and again I like to put my favourite characters in ridiculous situations. This is the result. Join Itachi and Sasuke for major OOCiness and hopefully lulz as they try to save a reluctant Shisui from his impending marriage!
1. In the enemy camp

Class had been dismissed early to allow people time to prepare for the major festival the following day. Normally Sasuke would immediately go and train, but he wasn't sure if he was required to help his family for the festival. Well… actually, he was pretty sure they could manage on their own, but he was curious about what they'd be doing, and he wanted to know what Itachi had planned for the day, being the adoring yet nosy little brother that he was.

Frowning, he walked through the front door, removing his shoes. No one was at home. Disappointed, he walked to the kitchen to get a snack before he went to the training field.

His ears perked up as he heard a floorboard above him creak. Wandering upstairs, he could see it was coming from his parents bedroom. Opening the door, he complained "Okaasan, where is everyone…" He stopped short. In front of him was Itachi, wearing his mother's most decorative kimono and obi, and looked as if he was in the middle of applying white powder to his face. He could see the purple eye shadow and dark red lip colour out on the dresser.

"Don't you ever knock, otouto?" said Itachi angrily. Sasuke blinked.

"I didn't know you liked women's clothes, aniki," said Sasuke a bit dazed, still reeling from the sight.

"It's not what it looks like!" protested Itachi. "This is for Shisui!"

Sasuke gaped. Itachi didn't like the way his little brother constantly talked to him to get attention, but he certainly didn't like it when Sasuke was shocked to the point of being speechless.

Itachi sighed. "Shisui's parents are forcing him to choose a bride this festival. Shisui doesn't want to marry yet. I've finished my duties for today, so I'm going to get approved by the local matchmaker and then Shisui will select me, and then I'll be so disgraceful afterwards that the wedding will be called off. Shisui should be safe for another year, because his parents want him to select a bride at this particular festival, for good luck."

Sasuke just stood there grinning. Grinning at the compromising situation Itachi was in, grinning because what Itachi was doing was kind of sweet, and grinning because it looked as if Shisui had Itachi under his thumb.

Itachi rose, and walked towards Sasuke with a cold look in his eye. He didn't like the way his otouto seemed to be enjoying this. Grabbing Sasuke by the shirt, he tossed him onto the main bed.

"Hey! What are you doing…" Sasuke protested, but he was cut short as Itachi landed on his stomach, pinning him down. Suddenly he felt a substance applied to his face. He kept struggling and tried to wiggle free, but it was no good. Opening his mouth to yell, he inhaled a bit of powder floating around his face and ended up spluttering.

Itachi leaned down with a deadly look in his eye. "I suggest you stop trying to move. You are going to the matchmaker with me, whether your makeup is applied properly or not. People will recognise you if it's not done well. Now I'm going to apply this godforsaken goop on both of us and if you know what's good for you, you will KEEP STILL."

That shut Sasuke up. Pouting, he allowed Itachi to apply the makeup, eye colour, lip colour and to add various decorative things to his hair to keep it back. They also picked out a kimono, with Itachi expertly tying the complicated knot in the obi. Looking in the mirror, he was pretty impressed. Neither he nor Itachi were recognisable, and Itachi had even softened his gaze to look more feminine.

Throwing a fan at him, Itachi said "Now, otouto, you are not expected to speak much in the matchmaker's presence. If you want to communicate, flutter your fan faster to say yes. If you have to speak, I suggest you make your voice high and extremely soft. All you need to do is demonstrate skills as the matchmaker asks you to. Got that?"

"Skills, eh?" said Sasuke, a competitive gleam in his eye. Sure, Itachi might run rings around him as a shinobi, but he might actually have a chance to outshine his brother given that both of them didn't have much experience in this area.

"Just put these on," said Itachi, irritated, tossing a pair of his mother's high quality black sandals at him. He didn't think that Sasuke was actually enjoying being forced to wear women's clothing, which somewhat satisfied him, but he didn't like that competitive look.

Walking into town, they received catcalls from the guys standing around. It was always part of the entertainment to watch the marriage brides at the festival, and the guys considered themselves lucky to see any girls who were getting approved at the last minute, since it was like a bonus.

Sasuke breathed a sigh of relief. They had made it to the matchmaker's hall without running into anyone they knew. He didn't think that they would recognise him per se, but with people able to sense chakra and also taking into account his nervousness about being exposed, it was best not to risk it.

They lined up with the other girls waiting. Suddenly the door flew open and the matchmaker stalked out. She was a hard woman, constantly having an air of disapproval, and they could tell she wasn't going to make it easy on them.

Passing Sasuke, she said "You're a little young," glaring at him. Sasuke didn't know what to do, so he squeaked out a small "Hai."

"Do NOT speak unless spoken to, girl," said the matchmaker harshly. Most of the other girls jumped.

"But you just did…" said Sasuke, confused.

"QUIET!" shouted the matchmaker. "I've got you marked down." Giving Sasuke a particularly disapproving look, she continued walking along the line.

After she had given everyone the once-over, she walked into the building, expecting everyone to follow her.

She roughly assigned people to the different seats.

"Listen, ladies. I am an expert in all the feminine arts. Today is the day where you will be assigned a grade which will indicate which type of husband you will get. In other words, today is the day which will determine the rest of your lives. First off, we will have the tea ceremony. You, take the front." She pointed to some girl who looked scared out of her wits. When that girl was finished, she selected some others, not giving encouragement to any of them after their turn was completed. Sasuke was looking intently at each candidate, trying to memorise the steps. The matchmaker saw his distracted look, and said "You! Go." Sasuke ground the leaves, laid out the cups, held the teapot the correct way, and poured the tea. The matchmaker took a sip and then spat it out all over Sasuke's face.

"Bah! Too hot!" she yelled. "Next, you!" She pointed to Itachi.

Itachi rose gracefully and completed the required steps.

"Delicious!" said the matchmaker. "The temperature is perfect, and you have ground the leaves to create a very flavoursome tea. Good! Next." The final girl rose.

"Ok!" said the matchmaker after they'd finished. "Next is flower arrangement. Each of you, take some flowers here and put them in the vase in front of you."

She paced up and down, making sure that the candidates weren't looking at what the others were doing. Sasuke knew that he couldn't be caught watching anyone, so he relied on his own limited knowledge of flowers.

When the allotted time was up, the matchmaker inspected them. "Not bad… alright…." She passed Itachi's. "Good balance," she said. She came to Sasuke's.

"What the HECK is that? The weeds that grow in the gutter on the street look better than that." With that, she picked up his disjointed bunch of flowers and whacked him over the head with it. Not bothering to give feedback to the remaining candidates, she reached the end of the line and turned around with a displeased look on her face.

"Now comes the recital of the wifely creed. You! What is the eleventh paragraph." The chosen girl answered with the elaborate wording. Candidate after candidate was selected, and it came to be Itachi's turn. With fluttering eyelids that never opened more than half way, he answered the question correctly. Sasuke turned in shock because he had known it, and also because of the high, even pitch of his voice which was low for a female, but feminine nonetheless. He couldn't tell it was Itachi. Disapproving of Sasuke's reaction, the matchmaker said "You! What is the fourth paragraph?" and bent down to look him angrily in the eye.

Sasuke had no idea. "The fourth paragraph is…" He paused and looked around desperately for a clue, but wasn't really expecting to see anything. The matchmaker was grinning evilly. Sasuke glared at her. "… to not be a stuck up bitch!"

"WHAT!" she roared. Most of the other girls paled and turned to look. "I will see that you will not even be fit to marry a beggar! I will enjoy destroying your dreams, girl!"

Itachi was the only one who did not react to the outburst. He had continued to sit demurely, hands folded on his lap and head slightly bowed.

Exasperated, she stormed to the front of the room. The trial was over. Walking down the line, she said her opinion of each girl, and also their weak points. It was Itachi's turn.

"What a magnificent example! Always calm, always poised. Any man would be lucky to have her. This lady is the epitomy of gracefulness, serenity, femininity…"

Sasuke snorted a giggle; he couldn't help it.

With rage, the matchmaker stormed over. "And YOU!" She started laughing maniacally. "You're not even fit to marry my dog!" With a triumphant smile, she walked to the next person.

Finishing her rants, she dismissed everyone by opening the front door and walking out. Sasuke was receiving compassionate looks from the other ladies, but they also looked a bit relieved. Obviously he had taken the evil eye away from them.

"Looks like you need more training," said Itachi when they were on the open road.

Sasuke glared angrily at him. "And who should I ask? YOU?" he retorted, with a spiteful grin.

"I'm glad you came along, otouto," said Itachi coolly. "You made me look a whole lot better."

"Stuff you, Itachi!" said Sasuke with a scowl. "I need to get home quickly. This makeup is melting off with the tea that devil-woman spat on me." Itachi chuckled faintly. Glaring at Itachi, he threatened "If I go down, I'm taking you down with me."

"Don't worry, otouto, I don't want you to be discovered either. Even if I wasn't here, if you were found like this, it would still embarrass me to no end."

Turning away with a huff, Sasuke put his attention on watching for people who knew him.

They rounded the last bend and cautiously entered the house, trying to hide their crimes, and began to ready themselves for the next day.

"It was worth it, you know, to hear all those compliments you got," suddenly said Sasuke, giggling.

"Shut up, otouto," said Itachi flatly.

--

--

--

Disclaimer: If you've read this fic, it should be painfully obvious that I'm not the original creator.

A/N: Crap… this is Japan… er… let's just say that what I know from the Disney movie Mulan about matchmakers applies to this as well, 'k? n-n;;; and I'm making the festival stuff up.

Okaasan – Mother. Otouto – little brother. Shinobi – fighting ninja person. Hai- yes. Kimono – the cloth that is wrapped around like a dress. Obi – worn by girls, the big tie around the stomach, usually tied in a decorative bow at the back.

Next chapter – the day of the festival.

Thank you to anyone who reviews! :3


	2. Flirting with fate

Itachi and Sasuke both awoke early. They had taken a portion of the necessary materials the day before, and Itachi was busy prettying himself. Sasuke was standing next to him, trying to make himself useful in whichever ways he could.

"Now, Otouto. Just to make sure there are no mistakes…" Itachi said, giving Sasuke a sharp look.

"I got it, aniki," said Sasuke, miffed at his brother's scrutinising gaze. "I'll tell Father that you had to leave early, and I'll meet you at the bride's quarters with the obi and shoes."

There was no point to Sasuke turning up as a bride, since he didn't actually want to get married as one. Not that he had a choice in that regard, given the matchmaker's singularly negative verdict. Plus he needed to explain to others where Itachi was, and help Itachi prepare.

"OK," said Itachi, poking Sasuke in the forehead, to Sasuke's chagrin. He put on a black cloak with a hat and whisked out the window.

--

Running around the last corner, Sasuke came face to face with a large crowd trying to get through the door which was open. Perhaps he should have taken that shortcut, but he had no idea the place would be packed to the point where people couldn't even get inside. Clutching the bag carefully with one hand, he climbed the nearest tree to get a better look.

Getting through the main entrance was out of the question. All the seats and standing positions were occupied. Spying a tree branch near an open window in the building at the back, he scampered down.

Smiling triumphantly, Sasuke dropped into the hallway, only to come face to face with a mean looking guard.

"You don't look like the typical bride thief," the guard said, gruffly; Sasuke was naturally irritated at his implications.

"Hey!" shouted someone down the hall. "There's a disturbance at the back!"

Taking advantage of the confusion, Sasuke ran into the inner quarters. Now to find Itachi. Not sure of where to start, he opened the nearest door to find a half naked girl, who promptly screamed. Muttering an apology, Sasuke backed out, slamming the door behind him.

There wasn't anything else he could do. He had to continue this strategy.

After the tenth time his ear drums were given a workout by some hapless girl, he started to get desperate. Sooner or later one he may run into one of the organisers walking the halls. Even though he was young enough for his actions to be innocent, it still didn't get him closer to finding Itachi, and it would have been an uncomfortable situation nonetheless.

Suddenly he was grabbed from behind.

"Where were you?" hissed Itachi, and quickly added "Never mind. There's no time. It starts in an hour."

He grabbed Sasuke's arm and dragged him along. Sasuke didn't even mind – he was just relieved to be out of that situation.

"How did you know where I was, aniki?" asked Sasuke.

Itachi glared disapprovingly and said "I heard the screaming."

--

Breathing a sigh of relief, Sasuke pushed his way out into the crowd, ignoring the querying looks from others. The event was about to start. Finally this would all be over.

A loud gong sounded, and the crowd went quiet in anticipation. The matchmaker stepped out, and announced Itachi's qualities and rank. The best brides were always shown first, so it was likely all the brides would marry - if someone in the audience couldn't get their first choice, they could have the option to select again.

The crowd went wild. Many hands rose, each person mentioning what they would give the bride's family, and adding something once their offer was bested by another eager contender.

Sasuke leaned back, resigned to staying in this circus going on around him. Bored, he gazed up at Itachi. Itachi momentarily raised his fan higher and discreetly gave Sasuke a sharp look. Alert now, Sasuke's eyes widened as he realised...

_Where was Shisui?_

Panicking, Sasuke jumped on the nearest man's shoulders and propelled himself over the surrounding wall, ignoring the shouts of protest from the startled audience member.

Cursing since he had thought it unnecessary and difficult to locate Shisui, he scouted around, and eventually saw Shisui and his family in the huge crowd outside the entrance. Grabbing Shisui's hand, he said "The quickest way to get in is from that tree over there."

"I can't do something so dishonourable!" retorted Shisui. "I have to go in the front way!"

In disbelief, Sasuke turned to the crowd. Propriety could be so inconvenient, especially now. Grabbing Shisui, he started to cry "Okaasan! Where are you?" and bawling, earning compassionate looks from people who made way for him.

Fortunately the offers were still coming in when they reached the front. Finally seeing the 'girl', Shisui gasped. Itachi responded by fluttering his fan quickly. Looking mesmerised, Shisui proudly raised his hand, and made his offer. It was settled. Being of the prestigious Uchiha family, he would get preference, especially since the girl had also shown her affection.

A groan of disappointment was heard from the audience when the deal was sealed. Shisui quickly made his way forward and took the girl into the building behind, forgetting about Sasuke, who was trying to follow but ended up only being squished by the crowd.

--

Now having a room to themselves, Itachi opened his mouth to speak, but was interrupted by Shisui placing his finger on Itachi's lips.

"My dear, I didn't want to get married. But after seeing you, I was swept away by your beauty and I cannot help but desire to marry you," cooed Shisui.

Itachi stood there in shock, even as Shisui swept Itachi off his feet and leant down to give him a passionate kiss.

A few moments later, Shisui regained consciousness. Regaining his bearings, he found himself slumped against the wall opposite Itachi, the back of his head throbbing from the impact which must have occurred when he was thrown.

"Shisui…" growled Itachi. The angry expression caused the makeup on his face to crack and for pieces to start falling to the ground.

"Itachi?" gasped Shisui, jaw dropping. Then he rolled on the ground, laughing. "I knew it was you all along! Honestly, you don't give me enough credit sometimes." He let out another hearty laugh.

Itachi now wore a very unladylike death glare.

Sasuke had managed to squeeze into the place to find Shisui rubbing his now messy head of hair and Itachi looking at Shisui, displeased.

"Maybe I should punch you again, this time for being late," Itachi said to his 'lover'.

Shisui giggled apologetically, and said "It wasn't my fault! Okaasan wanted to visit a few shrines beforehand, for good luck. And there was an abnormally huge crowd this year."

"Hey, Itachi," interrupted Sasuke. "You may like the feel of a silk kimono, but how about you slip into something more comfortable and we go and enjoy the festival?" said Sasuke in a pseudo-seductive voice. Shisui gave a huge smile.

Unfortunately, Itachi's desire to get changed was greater than his dislike for letting Sasuke put one over him. Trust his otouto to not make this easy for him. Glaring, he left the room to gather his possessions.

--

Later that evening, they had assembled around the table for dinner.

"Did you have fun at the festival, Sasuke?" asked his mother. "What kind of things did you and your brother see?"

"We went and saw the brides," replied Sasuke cheerfully, remembering the events in the past two days which were so far from ordinary daily life.

Itachi's eyes widened immediately; Sasuke didn't know why. His mother and his father both exchanged glances, looking surprised.

"That's right," his mother replied, putting on one of her loveliest smiles. "I had heard the quality of the brides was very high, especially this girl. Luckily my friend was there to take a picture." She pulled out a photograph of the 'belle of the ball' who happened to be none other than Itachi. Father glanced over at it.

"This picture looks like…" his mother started, frowning in concentration. "It's so familiar…" Itachi and Sasuke both froze. "That's it! She must be a famous poet!" exclaimed his mother. Both brothers breathed a sigh of relief.

"You know, Itachi, since you were interested in these brides, we could get you a nice girl next year!" suggested his mother happily.

Looking defeated, Itachi replied darkly "Yes, Okaasan. Thank you." There was no sign of enthusiasm in his voice, which his father noticed, but since he was obeying his parent's wishes, his father was content with his reaction.

Sasuke couldn't help but smile at the way Itachi's plan to help Shisui had now backfired on himself. True, it was his fault that Itachi was in this predicament because he mentioned where they had gone… but the urge to snicker at Itachi was too great and he couldn't keep it in.

Itachi turned to stare at Sasuke. Sasuke immediately settled down. He picked up his cup and took a sip, looking up at Itachi with a guilty expression. Itachi was still staring at him.

_Oh no, he couldn't be thinking that I…_

Sasuke choked on his drink and stared at Itachi, wide-eyed. Itachi smirked, knowing Sasuke had gotten the message.

Annoyed that Itachi appeared to have some kind of hold on him, Sasuke did what came naturally in this situation and tried to outshine his brother by gaining his parent's approval. "Can I get married too, Okaasan?" asked Sasuke enthusiastically with a large smile – which greatly contrasted with Itachi's reluctant response. His mother giggled as if he had said something very cute, and Sasuke looked back at Itachi, satisfied.

Itachi was now even angrier, and said "Sure you can get married, Sasuke. Why don't you practice for it by cleaning up the dishes?" Sasuke gritted his teeth. The thought crossed his mind that Itachi would go through the marriage ceremony with him, just to piss him off. It was unusual of Itachi to appear disrespectful in front of his parents. He knew his brother was really mad.

"Now, boys," chided his mother, oblivious to the hidden meanings. "Go on, both of you go to your rooms."

Obeying, both rose and walked calmly upstairs, Sasuke stepping more hurriedly to keep up with Itachi. When they were both out of earshot, Itachi hissed "You had better practice hard, Otouto. This is all your fault."

"Don't worry, aniki. With you and Shisui in the audience, I'm sure I'll be a very popular choice." With that, he grinned and ran into his room, leaving Itachi standing there, infuriated.

_Oh yes, the sweet feeling of power_, thought Sasuke as he jumped on his bed. Of course he was going to help, but he was certainly going to give Itachi a hard time about it.

This year was going to be fun.

--

--

--

A/N: Standard disclaimers apply.

Well, I think that's it, folks! I can't really think of any new ideas, so I'll leave it at this. X3

And Sasuke's crying tactic was completely 'borrowed' from The Simpsons. Again, the marriage ceremony stuff is completely made up/ borrowed from Disney's Mulan.

Otouto – little brother.

Okaasan - Mother

Aniki - older brother

Thank you SO MUCH to everyone who's enjoyed it, and especially the reviewers! XDDD


End file.
